#15

Heaven & God

By Kazz Falcon

I read in the bible that being gay is a sin

That doesn’t wash my hands

I just don’t believe that

God made me a homosexual

Therefore, how can it be a sin?

Besides, God want a variety of people on earth

The bible said, “Do not judge.”

Yet, some people do it any way

They judged me for being gay

Let’s talk about homosexuality in the bible

It’s best to talk about Heaven and God first

Picture this

It’s the judgment day

I stood in front of God

It was the only the two of us, not counting Jesus and Mother Mary

Who else do I see?

I don’t see anyone else, not my friends, family or strangers

Why?

It’s between God and me

It’s really about God and me, no one else

The relationship is between God and me

God is the judge of my life

No one else judges me in heaven

Why can’t it be like that on earth where no one judges you?

Just Like Earth

By Kazz Falcon

Recently, I came out of the closet

I don’t want to hide the truth

I was a homosexual

I need to be true to myself

One of my friends was mixed

He doesn’t believed it was okay

He mentioned the bible to me

He showed me the 1 Corinthians 6:9 verse

He claimed that God doesn’t love gay people

Gays shall go straight to hell

That’s hogwash

I wasn’t ashamed to be gay

He continued to preach “the truth”

What truth was that?

We have our own beliefs

I believed in God

That’s what matters the most

I was a gay Christian

He doesn’t buy that

There was no such thing as a gay Christian

I brought up Heaven & God

I asked a very important question

“Will you be there at my side when God talks to me in heaven?”

He said, “No, God will talk to you ALONE.”

I said, “It’s between God and me in heaven, just like earth.”

The Negro Word

By Kazz Falcon

I posted HIV Bareback poem in a gay forum

DaiseeLove (KariCraw) found some words interesting

I used “stupid black” and the “Negro” word

She stupidly claimed I made it an issue

Say what?

I did no such thing

I have no ideal of why she made it a big deal

She made the Negro word an issue

I did nothing wrong at all

It’s not wrong to call an African American “Negro”

I looked up the word in the Webster dictionary

A Negro is an African American; black

She brought up the race card, not me

This got nothing to do with race

The poem was about HIV Bareback, not race

Besides, the African American called me “white”

Saying Negro or white doesn’t make us racists

She was one STUPID WHITE woman

She accused me of being racist

In closing, she ole me an apology

So Called Friend

By Kazz Falcon

I was officially sick of Chris

He ate my food without asking

I opened the door

He always closed the door

I know him over a week

I can’t stand him any longer

I don’t have any more patience with him

He made a mess out of my place

He doesn’t clean up after himself

He left uneaten food in the sink

He left it there till I clean it up

No friends should be like that

He wasn’t respecting my place or me

I was getting mad big time

Sometimes, I need to get angry

He was running over me big time

I wanted it to stop

I put my foot down

I sent him on his way

Top it all, I was too kind for my own good

I wished I was Red from That 70’s Show

I will put my foot up his ass

My friends have NEVER treated me that way before

Chris wasn’t a TRUE friend

The Projects

By Kazz Falcon

I got to admit

I hated living in the projects

The neighborhood was so bad

My son can’t even go out and play

I forbid it

There were so many crimes

Drugs, prostitution, gangs were part of his young life

It wasn’t a pretty sight

I did my best to protect him

I vowed to get out of the projects

I had enough of that life

I worked my ass off

I saved my money for a long time

I vowed a better life for us

My son will have something to strive for

His well being and safety was my main concern

I won’t let it get to me

Some day, we will get a fabulous new apartment

I won’t dare to forget the experience

It was very depressing to live in the projects

My Way Out

By Kazz Falcon

I was so fed up with the projects

I didn’t want to live there any more

Man, my life should be much better than this

I didn’t care how I get out

My job didn’t pay that much

I figured I would be gone in a year

Hell, no! I was going on three years

I was going nowhere fast

I can’t stand my life

I need a break

It got me down

I can’t do it any more

I was tired of praying to God

He wasn’t helping me

Where is God when I need him the most?

I gave up on hope

I decided to make fast money

It was illegal thou

I became a drug dealer

I found my way out

HIV Guilt

By Kazz Falcon

My boyfriend took an HIV test

He gave me the bad news

He was HIV +

He wondered how it happened

We always practiced safe sex

We haven’t been with someone else

We had a monogamy relationship

He started to cry

I comforted him

He shouldn’t be worry

It wasn’t the end of his life

Things happened for a reason

We had no control over things

Back in my mind, I know the truth

I gave the disease to him

I kept my HIV status a secret

I loved him so much

I didn’t want to lose him

That’s why I didn’t tell him

I was afraid that he wants no part of me

I put his life at risk

I felt so guilty

Gay Guilt

By Kazz Falcon

It weights heavily on my mind

I just can’t

I just can’t accept being gay

I wasn’t raised to like guys

I came from a strict Baptist family

We didn’t believe in being gay

It was unnatural

Yet, I started to have feelings at age 31

I don’t understand how I became that way

I had many girlfriends

I felt comfortable with them

I wanted to have a wife and kids

Now, that dream was destroyed

I can’t cope with being gay

I wanted my old straight life back

Life was simple back then

It felt so wrong

I don’t want to be gay

I tried my best to stop it

My gay feelings got stronger

I have no ideal how to stop it

I even prayed to God

I prayed to stop the feelings

It wouldn’t go away

The more I fight it; I can’t escape it

I saw a priest about it

He couldn’t help me either

I wished it would go away

I can’t go on with the gay guilt

The Hit

By Kazz Falcon

The hit will be unexpected

None will be the wiser

It’s best to be that way

No on can stop the hit

It must be successful first

Then, he will receive payment

I waited for a long time

He was the perfect choice to be the hit man

I trusted that he wouldn’t tell the police

I won’t go to jail; even it kills me

My fate was in his hands

I depended on him

Hopefully, he will get the job done

It means the world to me

It will be worth every cent

There won’t be any more pain or headache

Soon, that life will end

I won’t miss the dreadful life

The only difference between Terry and me

Her husband pulled the plug on her life

I had a choice to end things

I can live with the decision

Bring on the hit

Captured By Hate

By Kazz Falcon

I had such a beautiful wife

She was my joy and love

I adored everything about her

She was kind, sweet, loving, caring and a great comfort

She will do anything for you

I couldn’t ask for a better spouse

One stormy night, she didn’t come home on time

I became worried about her

It wasn’t like her to be late

I didn’t call the police

She wasn’t missing for 24 hours

I drove around the neighborhood in the rain

I noticed someone lay by the curb

I parked the car

I ran to check the person

My worst nightmare came true

I found her in a pool of blood

She bled to death

A thug stabbed her with a knife

Her purse was missing

He took my wife from me

How could someone do such a thing?

She didn’t have a mean bone in her body

I regretted for not protecting her

I wished I was with her

Things would be different

She would still be alive

I became angry

I couldn’t stop the rage

He will be sorry for killing my wife

He will pay with his life

I won’t stop till he is DEAD

The killing engulfed my soul within

The hate grew stronger by each second

I vowed to avenge her death

I was captured by hate

The Pressure

By Kazz Falcon

I was a TV actor

The network had lots of faith in me

The success of the show took us by surprise

It was renewed for five more years

I was making more money I could ever imagine

I didn’t thought I will be a success

I figured the show would last a few episodes

Boy, it took America by storm

I was never a part of that in my life

I was in failed sitcoms before

Lots of fans wanted my autograph

It was overwhelming

Everyone wanted to know my business

I wasn’t sure what to say

I wanted to keep my personal life PRIVATE

I was even in the tabloids

They told outrageous lies

They claimed I had an affair with another actor

They claimed I was a troublemaker on the set

They claimed I was an alien

They claimed I had a bastard child

The paparazzi continued to go after me everywhere

They waited at the front gate of my mansion

I wanted to be left alone

I had no privacy whatsoever

I tried my best to avoid them

I can’t go out in the public

I can’t get groceries

I can’t go to the movies

I can’t walk my dog in the park

I can’t do anything

I missed my old life

The fame held me captive

It was getting too much

I can’t handle the pressure

The End Of My Rope

By Kazz Falcon

I was tired and beaten

My addiction worn me down

Can’t you see my frown?

I shed a tear of millions

My boss noticed I wasn’t doing a good job

I mentioned I couldn’t get any sleep

He knew better than that

He released me from my duties

He promised my job would be waiting for me

Throughout the years, I was at many rehab centers

I couldn’t escape my addiction

It took control of my life

No matter how hard I try, I wasn’t able to stop

I always go back to heroin

The habit was hard to break

I injected it in the arm with a needle

It made me to feel so good

I don’t have a problem in the world

The heroin was the one I wanted the most in life

I didn’t care about anything else

I continued to lose everything AND everyone

I couldn’t handle what I became

I felt very bad that it truly cost me my life

It was the end of my rope

Grew Apart

By Kazz Falcon

We have been best friends like forever

We did about everything together

We were as close as two people can get

There was nothing sexual at all

Something changed the relationship

She moved away to Hollywood

We grew up in San Francisco

My heart belongs there

Home is where the heart is

I loved San Francisco very much

We hardly see each other that much

We hardly talk on the phone

Our lifes were much different now

She became a successful actress in the movies

I was a regular person

I had no desire to follow in her footsteps

I was happy being a housewife

I belonged with my two kids and the husband

She was like an aunt to the kids

She was the closest thing I had to a sister

Once she hit it big, she doesn’t have any free time

I felt like she was no longer a best friend

Sadly, we grew apart

Just A Fool In Love

By Kazz Falcon

I thought I found true love

Micky took my heart by surprise

We didn’t expect to be in a relationship

We were searching for something else

We did our own thing at the club

We dated for a while

Lately, I became the second’s best

I had no ideal why

I believed he really like me

Instead, he was more interest in his true love

I couldn’t compete with it

Most times, I ended up being alone more

I wanted so much to be with him

He called me to come over to my place

I put my day on hold

I just wanted to be with him

Sometimes, he stood me up

I became sad

He was with his true love

I didn’t like it at all

Yet, I continued to waste my time on his love

Why can’t I be in love with a real boyfriend?

Maybe, I was just a fool in love

Fed Up

By Kazz Falcon

I can’t stand my lover any more

He deceived me many times

He really don’t love me

His actions told me something else

I won’t settle being the second’s best

It must be all me or none of me

He can’t have it both ways

He loves something else more than me

I can’t continue to love him

Loving him was a big waste

I deserved someone better

Let him drown in his sorrows

I won’t be there for him

I made up my mind

I was moving on with my life

Perhaps, I will find true love some day

He lied that he will change his ways

His addiction was very strong

I won’t let it to drag me down

I gave up on him

I ordered him to stay out of my life

I was fed up

The Big Bully

By Kazz Falcon

The big bully taunted me every day at school

The school didn’t do anything

The teachers saw him as a perfect angel

In truth, he was a little devil

Oh, how much I hated him each passing day

I was tired of his abuse

So much, I vowed revenge

He won’t ever bother me again or no one else

I put the plan in motion

I told him to meet me at Dead Man’s Cliff

It was the only the two of us

No one can save his ass

He was no match for my anger

I fought him like never before

The anger controlled my every move

I beat him up very badly with a club

He tried to escape me

One final blow, he fell off the cliff

I called out for his name

There was no answer

I ran down the cliff

I feared the worse

I accidentally murdered him

I felt bad about what I did

I didn’t mean to kill him

I only wanted to scare him a little

I wanted to teach him a lesson

I don’t feel sorry for his death

The world was rid of him

I finally ended my heart wrenching pain

I was free of the big bully

Run Away

By Kazz Falcon

I had too many problems in my life

I couldn’t cope with them

I hoped they would end soon

They kept on piling up

I didn’t turn to drugs

I was taught that they were bad

They won’t solve my problems

Nor alcohol

There got to be another way

Even I prayed to God

I didn’t see any help from him

I need all the help I can get

I was getting frustrated

It was one let down after another

I couldn’t find a new job

I was behind the rent and the bills

My cupboard was bared

I had sleepless nights

I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown

My luck ran out in New Orleans

I tried my best every single day

Even that wasn’t good enough

I didn’t want to be homeless

Yet, I had no choice at all

There was one thing left to do

I made a choice to run away

Drug Addiction Baby

By Kazz Falcon

I felt so ashamed

My newborn baby was addiction to drugs

It was my entire fault

I did heroin with a needle

I just didn’t care

My main concern was the next hit

No matter how I get it, I put the baby in jeopardy

I wasn’t thinking about the baby

I wanted to get high at any cost

Sadly, I didn’t want the baby

I felt like the pregnancy ruined my life

I wasn’t ready to be a mother

I just punished my baby

I don’t deserve him

I was an unfit mother

I wanted no part of him

I didn’t see him after the birth

It was much better that way

My baby could have a REAL mother

She would take better care of him

I signed my parental rights away

I gave up the drug addiction baby

My Talent

By Kazz Falcon

My talent was from God

I always believed that with all my heart

I can speak through my art

I had a speech problem

It was a perfect exchange for me

The art was very powerful

People can get more out of the art

They complimented me whether it’s good or bad

Not all art will be that awesome

Some people won’t like all my art

I had no problem with that

That was natural for everyone’s passion

I always do my best

My art touches so many people

It means so much to me

I brought a little sunshine in their world

I was in no rush to get a book published

The web was a great way to reach out to many people

They could relate to any art

The thing about my art,

I want my art to be REAL as possible

We all can learn from my talent

Hit & Run

By Kazz Falcon

I was driving drunk in the rain

The rain was pouring down heavy

I couldn’t see clearly

I drove reckless from the clubs

I skid on the road

I lost control of the car

I run into something

I jumped out of the car

Dear lord! It was a man

God, no!

I accidentally run into him

I checked the person

He was in bad shape

He hung on to dear life

I didn’t know what to do

I was frightened

I don’t want to end up in jail

Hopefully, no one saw the accident

I know I was in deep trouble

I didn’t need more trouble

Damn! I hoped I didn’t kill him

I got back in the car

I drove away from the hit & run

The Eyewitness

By Kazz Falcon

I heard a loud noise from down the street

I was very curious

I had a feeling that something bad happened

I put on my raincoat

I strolled down the street

I kept my distance

I saw someone jumped out of a car

I couldn’t figure it out

Maybe, he got a flat tire

I was wrong

He didn’t check his tires

He looked scared about something

I saw it in his eyes

He didn’t stay long in the rain

He jumped back in his car

He sped off to parts unknown

There wasn’t something right

I went further down the street

I noticed someone by the curb

I run to the person quickly

I checked his vital signs

It didn’t look good

He may not make it

I dialed 911 on my cell phone

The ambulance and the police were on the way

I was the eyewitness

Michael Alig, The Party Monster

By Kazz Falcon

I was a famous club kid

I was a party promoter in Manhattan

I learned from my mentor, James St. James

Everyone wore outrageous costumes at the clubs

I assigned them names and personas

I opened a new world for them

They have never experience this kind of club life before

They can openly be themselves

There weren’t any hassles from anyone

Some people didn’t know what to think of us

I was very pleased with the club kids image

I developed an expensive drug habit

It didn’t stop me from partying

I still had a fabulous time everywhere

Nothing could stop the good times

Then again, something bad happened

I was sleeping

Angel, the drug dealer, barged into the apartment

I didn’t know what’s happening

He demanded some money

I didn’t pay him lately

He continued to be forceful

He wanted the money right then and there

Sorry, I had no money at all

He was aggressive with me

I was defending myself

Things were out of control

I bludgeoned Angel with a hammer

I poured Drano down his throat

I chopped off his legs

I dumped his body in Hudson River

Angel was no longer a burden

Thank Goodness it was over

I killed him in self-defense

So Called Love

By Kazz Falcon

I was in a relationship with this guy

The love was pretty good

It seems that way

He knew I had a drug problem

I tried my best to stop using heroin

Our love made it strong

I believed in myself

I know I can stop

I can feel it in my heart

Nothing will bring me back to the nasty habit

I have all the faith in the world

Things were great for me

Except for one thing – my boyfriend

He started to belittle me

He turned cold and nasty toward me

I couldn’t figure out why

I pleaded with him to stop

He mentioned that he was doing it for my own good

I didn’t understand that

It didn’t make any sense at all

He made me to feel awful about the heroin

He was mean and heartless

I cried silence in my sleep

I cried whenever he wasn’t there

I thought he loved me

How could he do such a thing?

I was doing the best I could

Yet, it wasn’t the best for him

He wouldn’t stop belittle me

It went on for weeks and weeks

He gave me a hard time

I couldn’t take it any more

I emotional broke down

Thanks to him, I used heroin again

He pushed me further back to drugs

I wasn’t that strong

He purposely held the drug habit over my head

He gave me a sorry excuse for being hateful

He wanted to punish me

He accused me of killing the unborn baby

I had enough of the so called love

Unknown Talent

By Kazz Falcon

Not everyone heard of me yet

I started out as small

I didn’t feel like I was ready for the big time

I need to gain experience as an artist

I wanted to start from the bottom of the ladder

Then, things will happen for me

I could see it

My art will get the world’s attention

I will take the world by storm

I will be on the way

All my dreams will come true

I won’t change at all

I will remain the sweet loving guy

I won’t forgot my TRUE friends

Nothing will stop me from living my dreams

Something bound to happen soon

I can feel it in my bones

As long I believed in myself, it will happen

There was nothing like going after my destiny

I was born to be an artist

It will take me far in the world

Who knows?

Dreams do come true

I will be living the American dream

Few people already noticed me on the web

The word of mouth was awesome

I was off to a very good start

Someday, I won’t be an unknown talent

Was It Me?

By Kazz Falcon

I thought my love was good enough

I gave him flowers

I gave him candy

I gave him gifts

I always mentioned, “I love you”

I shared my life with him

He even know my deep darkness secrets

I took him out on the town once in a while

I cooked him romantic dinners

He had my loving attention

He was distance from me

He was in another world

I wondered what went wrong

I was there for him

He didn’t return any love

I was heartbroken

I believed he felt the same way

Maybe, I was wrong

Maybe, I wasn’t giving him enough love

Was it me?

Out Of The Closet

By Kazz Falcon

Since I was a teen, I dreaded the moment

Back then, being gay wasn’t acceptable by the public

I stayed in the closet as long I could

I didn’t want any backlash

I feared to be gay bash

I didn’t feel safe in White Settlement

I was tired of living a lie

White Settlement was no longer home

The small town was a jail

I was trapped and miserable

I can’t be myself

Therefore, I moved to West Hollywood

Weho opened lots of doors for me

I was safer

I was very happy living there

I can be myself

I had freedom unlike White Settlement

I was proud of who I was – a gay man

I wasn’t ashamed

I came out of the closet

Gay Hate Crime

By Kazz Falcon

Man, oh, man!

I really hated the faggots

They grossed me out big time

That lifestyle wasn’t right in God’s eyes

It was plain wrong

It supposed to be a man/woman, not the same sex

They were ruining the human race

All humans should procreate

I was glad that God forbids them in Heaven

That was one place we will be free of them

I can’t tolerate the sick individuals

It really sickened me

I won’t stand for them any more

It was time for a serious beating

I drove around town late at night

A feminine guy was hitching a ride

I remained calm and pulled to the side

He needs a ride home to West Hollywood

I picked him up

I mentioned I know a short cut

In truth – I took him to a dark alley

Of course, I sexually misled him

He fell for my wicked charms

He was interested of getting it on

I planted a kiss on his lips

He foolishly let his guard down

I had him where I want him

I made my move with a knife

He was scared for his life

He pleaded for his safety

Hell, no!

I had to get rid of that faggot

The world will be better off without him

I stabbed him to death

There was no stopping the hate crime

Real Talent

by Kazz Falcon

Some people was mad at me

They don't see the whole story

They saw someone else in me

I was a REAL person in my art

They saw I was homophobia

They saw I was an unfit mother

They saw I was a killer

They saw I was a druggie

They saw I was an alcoholic

They saw I was black

They saw I was other people

They truly believed I was those people

I can't be THOSE people

I am a gay white male, artist & HIV +

I have a true passion for my art

I don’t want to limit myself to one type of art

It’s best to be versatile

I showed wide range of emotions

To be successful, they must see me as that character

Just like the actors in the movies

The audience needs to feel the pain and happiness too

They may relate to the character

What was the truth?

I can't be any of those things

I represent the REAL world in my art

I envisioned myself as those people

Just like the actors in the movies

As long we are convincing, it’s a job well done

That’s make us great artists

I don't want to hide from the truth

It does happen in real life

Probably, they was mad at THOSE people in the world

I don't care if they get mad at me

That really told me one thing

They were convinced that I was them

Meaning, I was a great artist

Yet, they don't see the real talent

Public Intoxicated

By Kazz Falcon

I woke up in a strange place

I have no ideal how I got there

I felt like I was in a cage

There were bars all around me

Nobody else was around

I wondered what happened

My head was pounding

I need an aspirin

Things became clearly to me

I had too much to drink at the clubs

The bartender took my keys

I was drunk to drive home

I didn’t take the cab either

I walked the drunkenness off

I figured I could make it home

I was quite lost in the streets

I ended up in an alley

I didn’t feel so great

I barfed up big time

I tried to stay awake

I can’t keep my eyes open

I heard someone was coming

Maybe, a friend found me

Thank goodness

I just wanted to go home

I was cold and hung over

Two men approached me

A flashlight shined on me

I couldn’t make it out who were them

I passed out on the ground

I know why I was in jail

I made a huge mistake

They arrested me for public intoxicated

DWI

By Kazz Falcon

I was stupid enough

I drank a lot at my friend’s place

We celebrated my 25th birthday

She wanted me to spend the night

I passed up her offer

I had to work in the morning

There was an important meeting at work

I was foolish enough to drive home

I thought I could drive

Boy, it was a big mistake

My driving was very reckless

I drove all over the road

I noticed the police followed me

I freaked out big time

I accidentally run through a stop sign

The police officer turned on his siren

Dear Lord!

I was in big trouble

I thought about outfox the police

Nah, forget about it

It wasn’t worth the trouble

I parked the car in a driveway

The police officer demanded to see my ID and car insurance

I gave him them

Man, he smelt the alcohol from my breath

He ordered me to get out of the car

I took a Breathalyzer test

I was over the limit

I failed the test

I failed to count to ten

I failed to walk a straight line

I failed to touch my nose

I failed to stand on one foot

I was arrested for DWI