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Running Away?
By Kazz Falcon

  July 24/25, 2004, Weekend - I was between a hard place and a rock. The hard place is my mother, Linda Harris, coughed up some blood at Bible Study last week. All weekend long, I tried to get in touch with Kevin Nichols, my big brother. Kevin may know more about Linda’s condition. After all, the Bible Study was at his place. So much, I want to leave town to visit her. Kevin, Linda and other friends will be happy to see me in Dallas. I haven’t seen them in years.
  Then there is the rock. The rock has been a constant pain for a while. From Miguel’s drinking, it was really stressing me out. I was at the breaking point. The tears were ready to burst from my eyes. I can’t take it any longer. Come to think of it, Miguel will be the death of me. He wants to destroy my life once again. Things should be different, but it is really the same – his drinking was still out of control and I may end up being homeless again just like Miguel.
  This time around, my apartment was at risk unlike the last time; he lost the car, his job and his apartment few years back. Yeah, I know. You guys were probably getting sick of the same old story. That’s why I hardly do the Earth Journal anymore. It was so freaking boring to read the same thing all the time. I started the journal again last month. I figured I will stay with the journal, but I became quickly bored with writing the same old crap.
  I was getting physical ill from Miguel’s drinking this past two months. Sooner or later, I may end up in the hospital. I could see it happening. Like I said, he will be the death of me. It was such a shame that Miguel can’t be charge with attempted murder or murder. The stress wasn’t doing my any good. I was a beaten man. I don’t have the strength to go on.
  My good friend, Jermahon, asked a very important question in a 7/25/04 post. Why are you permitting him to make you physical ill with HIS problems? Golly, that question got me thinking. I responded back to her. Who the hell knows! Well, I think I know about his REAL PROBLEM and everyone in his family is IN THE DARK! Today, after the movies, my friend BRIAN mentioned if there was someone can REALLY talk to him about his drinking. I replied.........there is no such thing. I am the only FRIEND he has. Maybe, that is why I want to be there for him and HIS problems, even it kills me.
  Jermahon mentioned that I was giving him control my life just as much the alcohol was controlling his life & that’s insane! She doesn’t believe for one instant that running away was going to solve the problem either. If Miguel breaks into my apartment while I was gone, that’s only going to cause me additional problems, more problems I don’t need right now. Jermahon really does make sense. I need someone to knock me beside my head in order to stop the real madness.

  I must STOP running away from my problems. No one can solve my own problems. I must do it all by myself. It was too bad that Linda was in the hospital and I don’t live in Dallas any more. If Linda wasn’t in the hospital and I will still in Dallas, Linda will save me from my problems once again. Nope, I can’t bug her with Miguel. Many years ago, Linda saved my ass many times before. There was a certain guy who I let stay with me for a while. One night, I was in bed sleeping. I heard some noises coming from the living room. I got up and checked out the noise. Man, that dude was having sex with a woman on the floor. Boy, I was floored! I quietly went back to bed.
  The next morning, I called Linda. She knew something was bothering me. She invited me to come over for breakfast. I explained the horror details. Linda was shock that I was too graphic! Hey, there was no sudden way to tell her. We had breakfast at the restaurant. We went straight…oops, gayly forward, to my apartment. Once there, Linda kicked him out. She mentioned don’t come back! That was so nice of Linda. She doesn’t take any crap from anyone, not even from me! She will let you to have it!
  I really need Linda. I need my mommy. Wah! Wah! Mommy, please come to LA and kick some ass for me! I was in a crisis and my health was in jeopardy. Linda can’t be there for me this time. We lived in two separated cities. I lived in Hollyweird; she lived in Dallas. Man, oh, man! Linda will make Miguel pay for the troubles he caused me. For sure, Miguel will never ever cross paths with me again. Linda will scare him straight! I loved the sound of that; she will put him in his place. I can’t take on Miguel or his freaking problem any more. It will put me six feet under soon. I just don’t want to die now. Sometimes, I do but that’s a different matter. What life do I have?
  I can’t enlist Linda or Kevin’s help. I can’t go to Dallas. I don’t want to involve any Los Angeles friends too.  I can’t continue running away from my problems. I have to tackle it at this very moment. Somehow, someway, I have to beat it. Anyone have any good suggestions? Hmm, maybe not.
  I already tried to tell Miguel’s sister in Whittier; Olga turned a deaf ear from the letter I sent last year.  I think Miguel lied; some alcoholics will do that. They will lie to their family and friend to keep on drinking. Last month, Miguel finally mentioned that Olga was pist off at me; she despised me now. Hey, I warned her about Miguel. His whole family believed I was a bad guy. How can I be a villain (a great one at that) when I was trying to help Miguel with his drinking problem?
  Oh well! If something bad happen to Miguel, it will be on his family’s head. I should send everyone in his family a very short letter. There were some things that they don’t know about him. They believed he was still working at his new job and living with a friend. In reality, he lost his new job after two weeks and he had a falling out with his friend. So, Miguel came to me for help. I told him that he should stay at a homeless shelter. Hell no! His mind was made up; he will stay with me for the time being. He flat out refused to be homeless. Hello, whether he stay with me or not, he was still homeless. He can’t stay with me forever.
  Few times, he comes home drunk. I wouldn’t let him in. I pretended on the phone that I wasn’t home. I was quite as a mouse. I didn’t want him to be here. He was taking advantage of my kindness. Sex wasn’t helping matters either. I was at fault too. I should have kept Wanker in my pants. Damn, why did I bring up that we could be friends and sex buddies? We came to an understanding about that.
  Wouldn’t you know it? Miguel was convinced we were lovers again! He truly believed that. He still loves me since the day we met at the club. I can’t love him; his drinking destroyed our love long time ago. He made me homeless. I worked myself up from the homeless shelter; I got a single apartment in September 2002. Now, I may be on the verge of losing my apartment, all thanks to Miguel’s drinking. I was a damn fool to help him out. I should have left him in the street two months ago. Get this. I learned that sometimes, it’s NOT BEST to help someone out. It could be your downfall. Trust me. I am living it right now.
  This past weekend was hell. Miguel and I went to the post office for our mail. I wanted to open a new banking account. Miguel decided to get something to drink then he will meet me at the bank. He went to the store. I picked up the mail. I hurried across the street to the bank. The security guard pointed me a lady at the desk. She mentioned there wasn’t enough workers; I need to come back Monday. I wondered what is taking Miguel so long. I finished playing Tetris by the parking lot. I looked for him in the store. He came up with a grocery bag. He asked, “Raspberry or fruit punch?” I picked my favourite, fruit punch. I noticed in the bag that he already drank a full beer of can. I know where the day was heading.
  We went to Target for toothpaste and other things. We ate at the Mexican restaurant below Target. We didn’t eat any breakfast; we ran on empty. The food filled us up. We got on the bus. He got off on Highland/Santa Monica to pay the phone bill. Well, well. I won’t see him for a few hours. He uses the phone bill as an excuse to go clubbing. Serious, guys.  He paid the bill. I went straight home. I got a fabulous ideal. I could send an email for me in Kevin’s name. Then, Miguel will know I was telling the truth about Linda!
  I called up Brian and Peter. I haven’t seen them in a while. Peter stayed home; his back hurts. Brian came over to go online. Yes, I was a nice guy! I always let my friends to go online. Some of them don’t have computers. I told Brian that I wasn’t happy at all and I need to get away from him. Miguel was and still is a living nightmare. I was glad Brian came over. I needed someone to talk. Brian was my strength. I showed him Kevin’s email. I did a pretty good job with the email; it was straight to the point. Brian mentioned they were going to an Outfest party for the volunteers. Sounds like fun. He invited me. I didn’t want to wait for Miguel. I hardly go out. My life was somewhat on hold for the moment.
  Brian and I went to Costco for milk and bread. He didn’t buy alcohol for the party tonight. Brian wasn’t sure if I could go home with him. Peter left him an angry message about the f@cking messy place. I offered that I could hang out at the bookstore. Brian missed his Gower stop. I didn’t go to the bookstore after all. We were running late. The new plan was I would wait for them at the bus stop by their place. Few minutes later, Brian called, “on the way.” Man, I should skip all the details and go straight to the party! I thought this would be a short one about Running Away! No, I was leading up to the party and Miguel! I need to paint a picture; the viewers will know where I was going.
  We had a fun time at the party. I almost break down in tears at the supper. I was so close too. I explained everything to Peter. Brian already knows about Miguel. I wasn’t in the mood to drink alcohol. I had no problems with others drinking. If Miguel was there, it will be one of the worst nights of my life. We stayed till 10 PM. We hopped on the bus to downtown. I saw my next-door neighbor, Ronald, waiting for the same bus. We got on the bus. I sat below Ronald. Brian and Peter were few seats ahead of us.
  Ronald mentioned that Miguel was waiting for me, sleeping on the stairs. That’s figures! I knew he would. He always comes to my place to crash because he has no other place to go. I excused myself from Ronald and told my friends about Miguel. I asked, “do u still want to spend the night? Hey, you don’t have to.” They didn’t mind at all. I went back to talk to Ronald some more. Ronald explained he was at the same spot as Miguel long time ago. He can relate to Miguel. He mentioned he need to hit rock bottom and he needs help only if he want to. Ronald was wise. As I write this, I realized I couldn’t help Miguel any longer. His statement didn’t hit me on the bus.  I could all I can do. The rest is help to Miguel. He needs to help himself first; others will help him.
  This next part is very interesting. I couldn’t plan it any better. Man, I thought Miguel would catch me! Boy, howdy! I was thisclose! We all were! Our bus stop was coming up. I was so ready to go home. I hoped Miguel wasn’t at my place when we get there. Man, I spoke too soon. Miguel was ALREADY at the bus stop across the street, looking the other way. I shivered in my pants. I couldn’t believe that. No one could. Why couldn’t Miguel wait somewhere else? Man, why now? I didn’t want him to spend the night. I begged God not let Miguel see us. I was at his mercy.  Thankfully, a miracle occurred. The light was still red. I hoped we could make it across the street. For some reason, Miguel got up from the seat and walked the other way. He was that wasted; he can hardly walk or stood up.
  The police drove up to 7/11. Things were looking pretty good for us. The light turned green. I was still nervous. I didn’t want anything to go wrong. We had it made. Ronald mentioned I should take off the hat. Oops, I remembered I wore it earlier in the day with Miguel. I put the hat away. We walked across the street. Miguel still didn’t see him. He walked up to the wall and put his head on the wall. We zoomed to the corner. Nothing else was on my mind. I just wanted to go home!
  A late thought came to me. Why didn’t the police do their job? Miguel was intoxicated in public. Yet, the police didn’t noticed. Oh well. We can’t have everything. Ronald was ahead of us. I kept on looking back; whispered, “Don’t follow us, Miguel. Please stay at the street.” So far, so good. We turned the corner. Ronald was petting our neighbor’s dog. He was walking his dog. I caught up with Ronald. I petted the dog too. I waited for Brian and Peter, who slowing walked up the hill. Ronald was home by that time. So badly, I wanted to drag both in the house before Miguel see us. There were no signs of Miguel. Once again, I spoke too damn soon. There were too black ladies talking among themselves. I had never seen those ladies before. I noticed a green beer bottle by my apartment. Man, it was Miguel’s.
  I opened up the door. They went in. The ladies finally spoke up, “the police escorted him out of the gate and told him don’t come back.” I confessed that he has a drinking problem. I was on the way to the mail. I realized that I must to throw the bottle away. I walked back down; it was missing. I checked my mail, nothing. I went inside. Brian mentioned he brought the bottle in. It was steaming hot. Peter turned on the A/C.
  Brian checked out the airline fares. I couldn’t buy the tickets. I need to hear from Kevin first; I will buy the ticket. I might take Greyhound instead. It may do me some good. I will have some time by myself, which I really need. I can write everything down in a notebook on the bus.  Kevin will have a clear picture of what’s going on with me. It was his brilliant ideal that I need to write everything down. He gave me that advice over ten years ago.  
  I was at the losing end. I really need to get away from Miguel. I can’t go on any longer. It was taking a big toll on my life and well being. The past came back to haunt me. Why have I done to deserve this? Come again, I ran out on my own mother in 1999. Karma was very wicked indeed. My mother and me signed a one year lease to take over my sister’s, Robin, own apartment. I didn’t want to live with my mom. I wasn’t happy in Fort Worth. So, I fled to my second mom, Linda, in Dallas. She explained it would be best for me to stay. I didn’t listen to reason. I was angry at Linda for letting me down. I kept the anger inside. Linda claimed it was apart of God’s plans. God’s plans? What right does he have? He has no control over my life. God gave us the right to do anything we can. I won’t stand living in Texas that much longer.  I vowed to escape the hell. Linda took me back to Fort Worth and went home. I made up my mind. I packed my things. I didn’t leave my mom a Dear John letter. She didn’t deserved one. She wanted me to be unhappy in Fort Worth. The taxi picked me up in the storm. I was on the way back to Hollywood. I met Miguel few months later at a club.
 Only I listen to Linda Harris. My life will be quite different. Of course, I was mad at God for destroying my life too. God, Linda, mom and others knew I didn’t want to live in boring Fort Worth and, damn well, I wasn’t happy for two months. See Family 1999 for more details. Man, I went from one hell to another. Why didn’t I listen to Linda? Linda knows better and well connected to God. Yet, I didn’t want any part of Fort Worth or God’s plans. Maybe, this was God’s plan all along that I will meet Miguel in 1999 and my life will never be the same. Hey, home is where the heart is and my heart is in Hollywood. I gave up my cowboy hat for a Hollywood star.
  No matter what God’s plan is…. it must do something with Miguel. So far, I survived five years of LIVING HELL and I am the only one knows that Miguel is an alcoholic, while the rest of Miguel’s family is in denial. Whatever it may be, God’s plans weren’t done yet. I still have a tough road ahead of me. I think I have to put off seeing Linda/Kevin in Dallas for the time being and just concentrate to put my life back on track by the grace of God. I can’t keep on running away from my problems any more. No one will help me at all.
  I wanted so much to see all my friends in Dallas again. It wasn’t mean to be. Linda’s accident was just an excuse to run away from my problems. Like they said, you can’t come home again. I was stuck in Hollywood. I was the star of my own reality show. I have to do what I have to do. I must conquer the problem to be strong again and I will no longer run away from my problems. It is something I must do on my own. God will never give something you couldn’t handle. The bad things will make us stronger. The sad thing was I always run away from the problems. I must put it to a STOP right now starting with Miguel. I was tired of running away.

Jermahon made a valuable point in her new post. I sincerely hope the trip to Dallas will bring you the comfort & courage you need, Alien. You obviously didn't learn your lesson from the last time around with Miguel if you're making the same mistakes again, so perhaps Pastor Linda or Kevin can get you back on the right path.
  I hate to say it, & it may sound harsh or cruel, but I wouldn't be much of a friend if I lied to you about this or didn't give it to you straight, no pun intended. Miguel isn't doing this to you; YOU'RE doing it to you! You have all the facts & information about the situation that you need to make the wise decision, so if you choose to ignore those facts, there's no blaming Miguel for it. It's your choice, the responsibility is yours, & you'll have to face the consequences, period.
  You're at the end of your rope, my friend & you need help, so I hope your friends in Dallas will be able to give you some of that help. I still think you need to join Al-Anon if you insist on staying in this relationship with Miguel, but I'm far from an expert. Have a safe & enlightening trip, my friend.

  Jermahon always tell the way it is. She is one hell of a friend. Miguel isn't doing this to you; YOU'RE doing it to you! I have to agree with that statement. I was at fault too.  I should have never ever let him to stay with me after I kicked him out the first time. I know all the facts. I can’t ignore it. It is about time I do something. I can’t go back on my word. I don’t want to be a damn hypocrite. I must go with the punches and I shall become the KNOCK OUT CHAMPION!

In conclusion, I thought that Linda’s accident was a blessing in disguise. In reality, I was just prolonging the pain and suffering by running away and letting Miguel’s drinking continue to be my problem.

No more running away! No more running away!