Copyright © 2003 Kazz Falcon
I was dead for
some time in my family; I didn't feel like I was part of that family. No, make that always. There were some secrets I kept deep down in my soul, which I can no longer hold. The secrets I wasn't proud of
nor the actions I did. Man, the actions
conflict some pain on anyone close to me. Yet, I got away with worse things I could have imagined. I went on doing on something drastic that the hurt is comforted by the
actions. In a way, the drastic actions were my comfort food. It disappeared the hurt for a little while.
I was homeless for the
second time in Hollyweird, the land of the freaks. I thought about the
past with my family. If I had the love
of a family, I will never end up being homeless for the umpteenth time. Family supposed to be there for you. I was homeless numerous times in the past. The second time
of homelessness, the family hurt boiled back to the surface. I wanted some kind of revenge to pay my family back in spades. If things were different back then with the family,
we will be a close-knit family. Something
changed the family few years ago.
I figured out what revenge
I wanted. Since I was dead to my family, why don't I send them a little something? Death was around the corner. I want them to feel the pain of losing someone for real. That revenge was
satisfying for me. I carefully planned the
execution of a loved one. The police nor the family could trace it back to me. I didn't tell my friends at Foundation House
my death plan. I wanted it to be
perfect revenge I ever thought of. I can't tell some friends all my plans; some will spoil the plan. I can't risk of telling any friends. I mostly keep all my friends in the dark when I do drastic
I wrote everything
down what I wanted to say. It has been so long that I forgot what I wrote. I know I died of AIDS. Why not? After all, I was HIV positive. AIDS could kill me one of these days, but I won't let it. It needs
to hurt the family in a worse way possible.
I can't leave anything out of the plan. Back then, I think they knew my HIV status. I remembered that we discussed medications at a fast food restaurant by the local
high school. I lied that I was still taking them. I stopped after a year. I hate taking medications. I really don't need them. I was a healthy horse. Mom believed me; she thought
I wouldn't do such a thing. She hardly
knows me at all. She doesn't want to face up the truth.
The revenge took
place where death lurked in the letter. They didn't know I was homeless at that time. It will be hard to find me. Yet, I was dead to them. Why bother searching?
I was already dead. I was finally free, thanks to the revenge. I could live my own life with no family interference. I really don't care about the family, mostly mommy dearest.
She was no Joan Crawford. She never
abused us like Joan did. Hmm, actions speak louder than words. I had to keep that in mind. Actions speak louder than words. What mom did was much worst than Joan
Crawford ever did to her kids. I bet that's why I ended up in the streets many times. I wanted no part of her. She hurt me in the worst way possible. I didn't feel the
love from her. To this day, even my own
siblings have no clue how our mother hurt us till this book comes out.
February 1999 - Carol called me up to the front desk. She mentioned some woman wanted to talk with me. I had an awful feeling about this lady. I wondered how she found
me. Carol explained that she didn't tell her I lived at Foundation House. The staff wasn't allowed to tell anyone. I was dumb enough to answer the damn phone. No ma'am! It
was my little sister, Robin. She was
happily crying to hear that I was alive in Los Angeles. I wished I hadn't talk to her. I will let
them continued to believe I died of
AIDS. She brought up the letter that Nick sent. Mom feared I was dead. Hello, I was dead! She doesn't want anything to do
with me. Suddenly, she mentioned that
they want me to come home. My "supposed AIDS" death was a wake up call for them.
What have I got myself
into? Things shouldn't go this far. Hollywood was my REAL home, not Texas. All my life, I was drawn to Hollywood. I gave up my cowboy hat for a Hollywood star. I was never a damned Texan in my
life. Yes, I was born in Fort Worth on November 24, 1969. The cowboy was never
me to begin with. I was more of a pussy, an alien and/or a star. Those three were my essences of my being. I lived for those three things. I don't want it any other
way either. Why, Texas again? I hated
that state with a passion. There was nothing there for me. Yeah, I had my friends and the so-called family. That was just
For some reason, Robin
convinced me to go home, which was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. My friends at the shelter believed it was a dumb move on my part. They knew I will be back in Hollywood. I was happier
than I ever was in my life. Hollywood
was so me. It was really in my blood. I should stay in the streets than going back to boring Texas. I really didn't have a life up there. My life was Hollywood, then
and now! I couldn't see living nowhere else. I was quite comfortable and happy in my hometown of Hollyweird, the land of the freaks. It was sad to leave my friends behind at the
shelter. I will never see some of them
again. They will move on to much better things. I gave away some CDs to them. I couldn't take everything back to Fort Worth. I had too much crap.
For a change, I decided
to take Amtrak for the first time. I took Greyhound so many times all over the states. The scenery
from the trains will do me so good unlike
the buses. I will get there faster on the trains. I packed four big bags. Brian Alt and others gave me a goodbye hug. My two friends, Grek and Charles, helped me with my bags to downtown
in a taxicab. Charles took the trains
before; he knew what to do when we arrived at Amtrak. I gave them some money for helping me. They were happy I was going home. I haven't had any clue I went back to Texas. Maybe, I like the ideal
of having a family that I can depend on
and to love. In a way, it felt so good to have that. I could put the hurtful past behind me and start anew with the family.
Was I dreaming?
After a day, I
arrived in Fort Worth. Mom wasn't there yet. I called her to pick me up. She was glad I was in town. I waited to pick up my bags till she came to Amtrak. I saw that
she got herself a Used Car; she needed one for work and such. The car was nice. We caught up with life. I didn't say much; there was nothing much to tell. I was homeless.
Ohhh, wasn't my life exciting? There
was nothing exciting being homeless.
She mentioned a lot
changed a lot. Aunt Karlena finally stole her rightful house. Grandmother left the Perry house to her and the other one on Sussex belonged to Karlena. I learned the city destroyed the Sussex house. There
was no wonder that Karlena took over
the Perry house. I didn't ask how that happen. It wasn't right that mom wasn't living on Perry Drive. Instead, mom took care of Mrs. Birdwell, my grandmother's
long time neighbor in White Settlement. Mrs. Birdwell wasn't in good shape since her husband died few months earlier.
She didn't want to go on without him; she missed him very much. She wanted to be with him in Heaven. Mom stayed with her.
We first checked
on Mrs. Birdwell. She was fragile and moved slowly with her cane. She remembered me. Mom gave her medication. It broke my heart to see her that way. So badly, she wanted to go home to her husband.
I don't blame her. She was lost
without him. They truly love each other for many decades. I was anxious to stop by next door. You know my grandmother's house. I bet Karlena destroyed that
house too, from inside and out, much like the Sussex house. She has a natch for ruining houses; she was pig style. I didn't get a chance to see the house. We were
at Birdwell's for a short time. Then off
to Robin's apartment, wherever it may be.
We arrived at Robin's.
Damn, she lived far away from grandmother's. It was a nice neighborhood near the former air base, but it was really far from the bus stops. God, why can't she live closer to the bus stops? Well,
I can't go out that often. I won't walk from
Foxfire Lane all the way to the bus stop over an hour each way in the hot sun. Fudge that! As I recalled, the nearest
bus stop was at Ridgemar Mall. The other nearest bus stop was at Calmont/Las
Vegas, near my other sister, Judy. Both bus stops probably have the same walking distance from Foxfire Ln. There I was. I was stuck in the middle of nowhere.
The only way to get around was a ride
from the family; that was hard to do. Robin was hardly home to get a ride. She supported her two kids; she doesn't have time to drag me everywhere. Knowing that, sadness slowly crept back into
my miserable life. Things didn't get
any better in the long run.
The family was
ecstatic to see me after all these years away. The kids grew a lot. I was quite fond of the kids; they were the sweetest kids that Robin raised. She was doing a
fabulous job being a single parent. Brian, Robin's boyfriend, helped her a big deal. The kids looked him up as a father; he has other kids too.
Robin didn't have a
phone nor a computer. I decided to put in a phone line for us. She really needs a phone. She may have an emergency with her kids somehow. Really, I had an ulterior motive. I wanted America Online again. Hey, I need to do something with my time in Fort Worth. After all, I was basically stuck every day, nothing to
do. The web was my world. I could do
places on the web. I persuaded Brian to take me to the phone place to pay a deposit for the phone. Everyone was happy about the phone. I was happier than all of them.
A day later, Mom, Brian,
Robin, the kids and I went to Circuit City to get a computer. I knew what I wanted right
then and there. I could afford to buy
a computer. I saved lots of money at the homeless shelter. I mentioned I need the computer for art, stories and the web. We didn't waste any time there. Thank God for computers! If we didn't have
computers nor the web, I will automatically
turn a male prostitute. The computer was my peace from the boredom. We hook up the computer in the livingroom. I showed them how the web works.
This computer gave me
all sorts of problems. Mom, the kids and I took it back. They wouldn't allow to exchange the computer. I was pist off. In the beginning, the guy promised us for an exchange. He caved in and
gave us a new one. We were back on track.
The kids love the games with that young fish. They had so much fun. They also like the young car game too. I was a happy camper for the time being. Sometimes, my sister
goes online in the evening time; she was getting to be a real pro for the web.
There was one person
who wasn't happy to see me back in town. My brother, James, didn't like it one darn bit! I was cruising the web. No one else was home. I heard a knock on the door. I saw it was my brother through the
peep hole. I knew something bad was
up. I opened the door. James suddenly became angry; he looked like he was ready to deck me, but he controlled himself. He was still angry thou. He asked if Robin
was here. No, she wasn't. I invited him in like a good brother will. He refused to come in and left. I wondered what's that about. It occurred to me that I already know. No
one knew about Nick's letter. I let things
be with him. He can be angry, but I didn't do anything wrong at all. It was just my life! We hardly talk whenever he come
over to visit Robin and the kids. I
was merely a ghost to him. I didn't let my brother gets to me; he can waste time on his anger. I won't waste my time worrying about it. I had important things to think about.
The boredom got
to me big time. I was unhappy with my boring life. I regretted leaving my hometown. I missed my home, Hollywood and, mostly, my friends. I didn't have a life in Texas. I hated staying home all time.
I didn't have any friends to hang out
with. I haven't see any of my friends since I left Fort Worth the first time in November 1989. I lost contact with all of
them, including my family many times
over. To this day, I had no contract with them. I really don't want any contract at all. That life was over with. I care less about them. I moved on with my life since I left home the first time.
It will be good that I have friends during
that time. I haven't talk to any friends in a long time. I haven't had any clue of where to look.
The only friends
I knew of were my family of friends in Los Angeles. What have I done to deserve it? I gave up my real Hollywood family for a fraud family. What was I thinking? That family was meaningless. I want
my Hollywood friends in my life! I must
have been on drugs or something. I traded something good for something awful, a family that I was never a part of. I need
to stop doing drugs. I need to stop
drinking. I was being honesty with my feelings; that's what count the most. I can't stand living in Fort Worth any longer. I wanted to go home where I always belong in Hollyweird, the
land of the freaks.
Some nights, I cried
asleep. I was alone. Nobody was there for me. I can't go on living like this. I missed my friends back home. At least, I had drugs to comfort me. Drugs were my only friends I ever had, next to alcohol.
I didn't do drugs when the kids were
around. I did it when the sister was at work and the kids were at school. I hide the drugs from them. I kept my drug use from them.
One time, the little
niece almost caught me smoking weed in the downstairs restroom one late night. I was depressed. I took a chance for a hit. I thought they will be sleeping. The weed went up the wrong socket. I
coughed badly. I couldn't stop from coughing.
I didn't hear someone walked down the stairs. I did my best not to make loud noises. I drank some water to clear my throat. I gasped for some air. I can't believe it!
I misplaced the air refresher. I searched for it in the restroom. Where it could be? I remembered the air refresher was in the computer desk.
I snuck out of the restroom
to the desk. It was in the secret hiding place. No one knew where to find my stash of drugs and the air refresher. Silly, me! The last hit wasn't that good. The cough ruined it for me. I
lit up a new joint. I noticed a shadow sitting on the stairs. The shadow just stared right at me. I thought I was seeing things, then the shadow walked to me. Boy,
I was in trouble. The shadow was my
niece all this time. She just came down to check on me. The coughing woke her up from the sleep. She was worried about me. She mentioned there was a funny smell. Oh, God! The new one
was still lit! I put it out in my cocktail.
I told her that it was the new air refresher. Then she asked me why am I hiding that air fresher behind my back. I could think of nothing fast.
I explained that
this one made me cough. I tried to get rid of it before anyone see it. She pondered that God awful smell. I mentioned don't worry about it. I will take care of it after I take her straight to bed. She
shouldn't be up so late. She has school in
the morning. I stuck her in bed. I gently closed their door. Man, that was a close call. I walked fast down the stairs and
sprayed the air fresher in the livingroom
and the bathroom. She promised she won't tell anyone a thing. I fixed myself another cocktail and cruised for sex online. I usually hit the jackpot with the men. Some men have drugs
for sexual favors. I get the drugs for
free. I did anything for my drugs, mostly unsafe sex. They didn't know I was HIV positive. Since I didn't have friends, sex, drugs and alcohol were the next best things
I met few homosexuals
on AOL. Some gave me advice, drugs for sex, a passionate
ear, among other things. A certain guy wanted
to help to go home, my real home. I flat out refused. I got myself in the mess. I want nobody to help me. It was my mess I started. I need to clean up my mess. An ear
was helpful. I vented out my frustrations about my situation. It felt to good to talk to someone. I hadn't it that in a long time. I thought things will be looking up by now.
I had someone to talk. I can enjoy life.
No one could take the good feeling away. I was in control once again. I won't let anyone to take over my life. I was my own
boss. I will make my own happiness.
The happiness and
the control didn't last long. I found out that Mrs. Birdwell passed away. Her death changed my life to the worst. Damned her! Damned her! That old bat ruined my life! She should be proud of herself. Damned
her to hell! She won't get a visit
from me. I won't go to her funeral. She cursed my life! She wasn't that innocense. No sweet lady will ruin someone's life
like she did. Now, my life was in turmoil.
Her death made me to be stuck in Fort Worth. There was no way out at all. I was dumbstruck. Why couldn't she wait few more years? Her husband wasn't going anywhere. He was in
heaven. Hell, no! She was greedy to
end her life AND MINE to be with her dead husband. Damned her!